LEGENDARY Arnold Brown once said being a comedian in Glasgow is very hard because "everyone there thinks they are a comedian."

Well, I am about to find out if that is true.

As Glasgow prepares to welcome some of the funniest people on the planet, one novice is about to enter the bear pit of stand-up comedy - me.

"You seem to think you're a funny guy," said my boss, with a heavy tone of sarcasm. "Why don't you give stand-up a go?"

"Because I'm a big feartie," I replied.

"Don't care, do it anyway," he insisted.

He had a point. Like most men, I like to think I can raise a chuckle, but usually only after a few beers on a Friday night, when I've convinced myself I'm a cross between Billy Connolly and Eddie Izzard - but without the long hair or high heels.

In the cold, sober, light of day, it's a different matter. It's one thing to make your friends spit out their pint with a carefully timed one-liner. It's quite another facing a crowd of strangers, microphone in hand and a spotlight in your face.

That is the challenge I have been set, however: to perform at The Stand's weekly open mic spot, Red Raw.

It was clear I was going to need some professional help.

Enter my damsel in shining armour - comedienne Viv Gee.

As well as a highly successful career in stand-up, which spans 13 years, Viv has been running a comedy workshop at Strathclyde University since 1998.

She clearly knows her stuff as the course has spawned names like Des Clarke, Des McLean and the Reverend Obadiah Steppenwolf III.

Viv kindly agrees to act as my private comedy coach and she puts me through my paces at her south side home.

As soon as we begin, I have a dozen concerns... What should I do if I'm heckled? What should be my opening line? Should I drink beforehand to steady my nerves?

The answers are: you probably won't be, it doesn't matter and no, absolutely not.

"The crowds at open mic nights know you're brave and know you must have something because you're going up on the stage," says Viv.

"Remember, they want you to be funny, they're on your side, but they're not going to relax until you make them laugh."

I've come prepared with some material' I've written - observations and anecdotes that make, at least me, laugh.

Viv asks to hear them and then I'm more nervous than I've ever been.

What if Viv stares blankly at me? What if she thinks my material is duff? And what if she then shakes her head, says "You've no chance mate, please leave my house, NOW!"

To my immense relief, Viv thinks there is enough to work on.

"You're not stuck for material," she says, "but we have to work out where to start and where to end.

"Less is more. We need to try to find shorter routes to the punchline."

We run through a few warm-up exercises', which involve me gibbering for 60 seconds about why I love supermarkets.

Next up is microphone technique. I haven't used a microphone since that fateful drunken evening seven years ago when I almost emptied an entire pub with my karaoke version of Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

"The first thing to do is take out the mic and move the stand to the side. You should avoid using the stand as a security blanket. Get rid of it."

Viv soon orders me to stand at the mic and perform the five minutes' of material we've so far prepared. It's the most daunting task yet and I'm shaking.

I stutter and mumble my way through my short routine and, miracles of miracles, I even hear Viv laugh at one point.

"Not bad," she smiles.

I go away and do my homework and by the time I next meet Viv, we're closer to a finished set. After several more run-thoughs, and reams of words of comedy wisdom, she declares me ready'.

Like many first timers, one of my biggest fears is being heckled. There can be few things more damaging to a would-be stand-up's confidence than someone piping up and yelling: "You're rubbish" (or stronger).

According to stand-up Robin Ince, hecklers are rarely as terrifying as you'd imagine - and he should know. As well as being in the midst of a solo tour, Robin has done the warm-up slot for pal Ricky Gervais during his Politics and Fame tours.

Robin told me: "People worry about hecklers more than they need to. They won't usually be a problem."

That's easy for him to say. However, Robin does have some valuable words of advice.

"You have to replicate on stage the time when you're at your funniest in day-to-day life. You can tell a story to friends and it can seem like the funniest story, but once you're in that false world of standing in front of people and the light's on you, it can be a different matter."

Glasgow comedy stalwarts Raymond Mearns and Des McLean are equally supportive.

Raymond said: "You have to remember the audience are not shooting bullets at you. Just give it your best shot and enjoy yourself.

"If you genuinely find the stuff funny and people can see that, other people will find it funny too."

"There is nothing you can do about the nerves, everyone gets nervous," adds Des, which is a relief as I have never been more scared.

"You're doing a Red Raw night, so you're all in the same boat, looking like you're sitting on a plane ready to parachute out of.

"Just tell the funniest stories that you genuinely believe are funny. And do it with conviction. Don't let them see you are nervous, command the stage.

"The next day you'll go That was a real buzz'. It isn't as bad as people think.

"Oh, and don't get drunk, you'll end up like a best man at a wedding."

As I prepare for my comedy debut, Viv has some parting advice. "Remember, if you want to be a comedian, you have to take the risks. You've got to either die or storm. Tomorrow I'll find out."

•Viv Gee: Sweating The Small Stuff, Blackfriars, March 18, 7.45pm.